In case you thought the CRADLE OF FILTH drama couldn’t possibly get more entertaining — it just did. Not 24 hours after guitarist Marek “Ashok” Šmerda announced he’d be leaving the band at the end of the Latin American tour, Dani Filth pulled the trigger and fired him on the spot. Effective immediately. One guitarist down, plenty of eyeliner left.
Naturally, Dani assured fans that the tour would go on, even with the band running at “half-guitar power” until a replacement is flown in. Because nothing screams professionalism like explaining to your audience that, actually, they’ll be hearing fewer riffs than advertised.
But as Dani plays damage control, the ex-members’ graveyard is rising. Literally. Rumor has it that several of CRADLE OF FILTH’s 27 former members (and counting) have now united in sweet, petty revenge, forming a new band named after that infamous shirt once worn by Metallica’s James Hetfield: DANI IS A C*NT.
And yes, their setlist is entirely made up of reworked Cradle of Filth classics — only rewritten to be direct insults aimed squarely at the man in the eyeliner throne.
The Debut Setlist of DANI IS A C*NT
Her Ghost in the Fog (Because Dani Farts in the Van)
Nymphetamine → Dani’s Hairline
From the Cradle to Enslave → From the Cradle to Underpay
Bathory Aria → Dani’s Manager’s Fault
Born in a Burial Gown → Born in a Baby Onesie
The Principle of Evil Made Flesh → The Principle of Dani’s Ego Made Flesh
Cthulhu Dawn → Dani’s Career Dawned and Set in ’98
Gilded C*nt → Self-Titled (encore mandatory)
Sources close to the situation (i.e., the internet being the internet) claim Zoë Federoff is already penciled in as the band’s guest harpsichordist, while Ashok will shred on guitar just slightly louder than Dani’s future replacements out of spite.
The “Filth Revolt” Tour 2026
DANI IS A C*NT is allegedly planning a world tour titled “The Screaming of the Ex-Members”, hitting the exact same cities Cradle is currently touring, but with cheaper ticket prices and merch that says what every ex-member has wanted to scream for decades. Their official logo? The COF font, but with a giant middle finger in the middle.
Meanwhile, Dani remains unfazed, reminding fans that patience is a virtue and that the truth will out. Which, translated into Cradle-speak, means: “I’ll replace everyone and still call it a band.”
So, to recap: Zoë’s gone. Ashok’s gone. Everyone before them is gone. Dani? Still there. Because in the end, CRADLE OF FILTH is less a band and more a reality show where the only prize is surviving long enough to make it through one full album cycle.
Long live DANI IS A C*NT. See you in the fog.
