In a truly unexpected twist of world philanthropy, underground Florida death metal band Vomit Crypt has issued a public statement urging Billie Eilish to “reconsider her charitable priorities” after her speech at the WSJ. Magazine Innovator Awards.
While accepting her award, Eilish called on billionaires to give their money to those in need — but according to Vomit Crypt frontman Bludgeon McMurder, she “forgot about one severely underfunded group: people traumatized by pop music.”
“We’re out here recording in a shed that smells like rotting bass strings,” said McMurder. “Meanwhile, Billie’s out there with eleven million dollars and a vegan milkshake telling Zuckerberg to help humanity. How about throwing a few bucks our way so we can finish mixing our new album ‘Putrid Humanity Collapse (Part II)’?”
The band announced they’ve launched a nonprofit initiative called the Death Metal Development and Support Fund (DMDSF) — a foundation aimed at “healing souls who’ve been forced to hear radio pop in public spaces.”
“Every dollar helps,” added bassist Corpse Buffet, “whether it’s buying distortion pedals for disadvantaged teenagers or funding noise therapy sessions for those who accidentally heard ‘Bad Guy’ at Target.”
Vomit Crypt even sent Billie an open letter via Instagram DM (and three MySpace messages, just in case), inviting her to co-headline a benefit show titled “Blastbeats for the Broken.” The lineup is expected to include Disembowelment Reborn, Tomb Sauce, and local openers Taxidermy Grandma.
“If she really wants to make the world a better place,” McMurder concluded, “she can start by helping us finish our third demo. It’s called ‘Give Us Money, Shorty.’”
As of press time, Billie Eilish has not responded, but the band reports a suspicious spike in Spotify plays from a Los Angeles IP address labeled “B.E. Management.”
