In a shocking yet completely unsurprising revelation, a representative from the Recording Academy has admitted that the committee simply doesn’t know many metal bands, which explains why Gojira took home this year’s Grammy for Best Metal Performance.
“We have a strict policy when selecting nominees,” the representative stated in a recent interview. “The band must be kinda heavy but not too scary, have at least one song someone’s heard of, and—most importantly—be a name we recognize. That usually means Metallica, Slayer, Iron Maiden, Gojira, Megadeth, or Judas Priest. If one of them has a new album, we just toss them in. If none do, we just… I don’t know, Google ‘metal bands’ and pick the first result that isn’t from 1983.”
This year, with Gojira being the only band on the short list with a fresh release, the decision was easy. “I mean, who else even plays metal these days? Cannibal Corpse? Is that real? Sounds like a prank. Babymetal? Pretty sure that’s J-pop. Meshuggah? I think my nephew listens to them, but I’m not sure if it’s metal or just robot noises.”
The representative also expressed relief that Slipknot didn’t release anything significant this year, as their masks “scare the committee members” and require special meetings to ensure no one faints during the nomination process.
As for the future of metal at the Grammys, the representative hinted at a bold new direction: “Honestly, we might just keep nominating Metallica every year, even if they don’t release anything. It’s the safest bet. Everyone knows them, and nobody complains. Well, except for metal fans, but they hate us no matter what.”
Meanwhile, Gojira has yet to respond to their win, most likely because they are still processing the fact that the Grammys finally acknowledged them.
#f*ck Grammys, #fake news, #Gojira, #Grammy doesnt know, #Grammys
