In a stunning example of how the universe rewards confusion, frostbitten black metal outfit Imperial Crystalline Entombment (also known, unfortunately, as I.C.E.) have confirmed that they’ve been receiving regular federal payments meant for Immigration and Customs Enforcement.
“At first, we thought it was merch money,” explained vocalist Blashyrkh Frostbite, who noticed that the deposits labeled “ICE PAYROLL – GOVT FUNDS” were way higher than Bandcamp royalties. “Then our bassist checked the routing info and said, ‘Dude, this came from Washington.’ We just assumed Odin was finally answering emails.”
The band’s label reportedly advised them to return the funds immediately, but I.C.E. instead chose a more frostbitten capitalist approach: they all quit their day jobs and used the money to buy—naturally—an ice machine.
“We figured, if the government’s paying us for ICE work, we should at least make some,” said drummer Crypt Glacierlord, standing next to a sparkling industrial ice maker they now refer to as “The Frozen Throne.”
Since then, Imperial Crystalline Entombment has launched a new merch line featuring slogans like “Funded by the Feds” and “Cold Enforcement Since 2003.” They also plan to release a concept EP titled Operation: Subzero Compliance, allegedly inspired by their ongoing confusion about whether they now technically work for Homeland Security.
When asked if they’re concerned about legal repercussions, the band remained chill:
“Look, if the U.S. government can’t tell one ICE from another,” Frostbite shrugged, “that’s not our frostbitten problem.”
Meanwhile, sources claim that actual ICE agents have begun investigating the situation — but got distracted after hearing the band’s track “Astral Frost Invocation” and assuming it was part of their new cold-weather training playlist.
