New film to document heroic act of musical restraint In a surprising twist of self-awareness, Metallica have announced a new film titled Metallica Saved My Life, directed by Jonas Åkerlund, best known for his work on Lords of Chaos, Horsemen, and making black metal look like a perfume ad. While […]
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TESLA Surpasses 300 Million Streams After Elon Musk Mistakes Band for His Cars, Pays Fans $100 Per Play
In what analysts are calling “the most expensive typo in streaming history,” California rock veterans TESLA have shattered the 300 million stream mark on Spotify — not because of a sudden resurgence in ’80s rock, but because Elon Musk accidentally thought people were listening to his cars. According to an […]
Billy Corgan Vows to Haunt Music Industry for 20 More Years, Announces Tour That Will Slowly Drain Your Wallet and Soul
Billy Corgan, the eternal mastermind behind THE SMASHING PUMPKINS, has declared his intentions to be absolutely everywhere for the next two decades. Fresh off turning 58, Corgan has launched a new solo project, BILLY CORGAN AND THE MACHINES OF GOD, and a massive tour that will ensure you either love […]
KISS To Unmask the True Horror of Rock in Las Vegas: Wrinkled Shock-Rock Spectacle Awaits
LAS VEGAS — KISS, the band that once thrilled audiences with fire-breathing demons and blood-spitting madness, has decided to take horror to a whole new level: playing without makeup. That’s right, the most shocking show of the year isn’t some pyro-packed stadium extravaganza—it’s Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley performing completely […]
Tobias Forge Bans Phones on GHOST Tour, Cites 5G Conspiracy and Fear of Bedroom Malfunction
GHOST mastermind Tobias Forge has long been known for his theatrical performances, elaborate backstory, and now, apparently, his deep-seated fear of electromagnetic waves rendering him useless in the bedroom. As part of the band’s newly announced 2025 US tour, Forge has doubled down on the controversial decision to enforce a […]
BABYMETAL Announces 2025 North American Tour, Promises to Have Actual Babies by Then to Justify the Name
As BABYMETAL prepares for their biggest North American tour yet, a lingering existential crisis has finally caught up with them: they are no longer, by any metric, babies. With all members now well into their late 20s, the realization that they’ve been fronting a band called BABYMETAL while filing taxes, […]
KORN Accidentally Signs Up for Lollapalooza, Thought It Was a Restaurant Menu
When KORN was announced as part of the 2025 Lollapalooza lineup, fans were hyped—until the band themselves expressed utter confusion. In a statement that can only be described as a mix of bewilderment and regret, KORN admitted they had no idea they had signed up for one of the world’s […]
Wes Scantlin Arrested for Crimes Against Music — Authorities Finally Take Action
After decades of alleged sonic offenses, justice has finally caught up with Wes Scantlin. The Puddle of Mudd frontman was arrested in Torrance, California, on March 11, and while police officially booked him on domestic violence and drug possession charges, sources confirm the real crime was subjecting the world to […]
TOOL Fans Consider Legal Action Over Repetitive Setlist, Maynard Offers Weird Compensation Option
The inaugural Tool Live In The Sand festival in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic, was meant to be a dream vacation for die-hard TOOL fans—sun, surf, and two nights of the band’s transcendent, ever-evolving live performances. Instead, attendees were treated to the same four songs—”Fear Inoculum,” “Rosetta Stoned,” “Pneuma,” and “Jambi”—without […]
Miss Mayhem Festival 2025: No Men Allowed, Free Tampons for All!
In a groundbreaking move to finally rid the metal scene of pesky male energy, Mayhem Festival is returning in 2025 as Miss Mayhem—a fully female-fronted lineup that’s doubling down on the rebrand by banning all men from attending. That’s right, dudes, pack it up. You had your time at Mayhem […]