While Iron Maiden has boldly asked fans to put away their phones during their “Run for Your Lives” 50th anniversary tour in the name of artistic integrity and ‘80s nostalgia, Nickelback has announced a similar request for their own upcoming shows — but for entirely Nickelback reasons. Iron Maiden manager […]
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TRUMP Starts Day With OBITUARY’S ‘Slowly We Rot’, Unveils “Deathcare” Health Reform Plan
Washington, D.C. — In a shocking yet completely on-brand revelation this morning, President Donald J. Trump admitted that he begins each workday by blasting a death metal album—claiming it “sets the tone” for his daily decisions. Today’s inspiration? Slowly We Rot by Florida’s finest, OBITUARY. “This is the most beautiful […]
GODSMACK Announce Hiatus As Sully Erna Launches Culinary YouTube Show “GodSlop”
In a shocking twist that literally nobody asked for, Sully Erna has announced that GODSMACK will be going on a year-long hiatus — not for rest, not for recording, but to finally answer the culinary call of destiny. Erna revealed in a recent interview that he’s “probably starting something new,” […]
DEICIDE’s Glen Benton Reviews SLEEP TOKEN’s “Even in Arcadia”: “I Thought I Was Being Pranked by Satan”
Glen Benton unexpectedly went journalism and sent us the following review. “So I’m sitting in my garage, minding my business—tuning my lawnmower to drop D and burning church incense for the weekend—when a package shows up. No return address. Just a black envelope sealed with wax and pretension. Inside? A […]
Falling in Reverse Vows to Fire Drummer Daily to Honor Classic Rock Traditions
In a heartfelt tribute to legendary bands that can’t seem to hold onto their drummers for more than three days at a time, Falling in Reverse has announced a bold new initiative: firing their drummer once a day for the foreseeable future. The band’s frontman Ronnie Radke made the announcement […]
Kanye West is Working On A New Collab Album With Varg Vikernes Called “Black Brothers”
Just days after his Seoul concert was shockingly canceled due to “recent controversies” (translation: Kanye being Kanye), the rapper-turned-walking PR disaster has found a new creative outlet: teaming up with Norwegian church burner and black metal philosopher Varg Vikernes for what they’re calling the most misunderstood collab in history—a bold […]
SLEEP TOKEN Now So Big That President Trump Threatens Import Tariff on Their U.S. Tour
After Even In Arcadia exploded onto the Billboard 200 at No. 1 and broke records as the most-streamed hard rock album in history, President Donald J. Trump has announced a bold new initiative: an import tariff on Sleep Token’s entire U.S. tour. “We have to protect American rock,” Trump stated […]
Gene Simmons Reviews CANNIBAL CORPSE “Tomb of the Mutilated,” Sees Business Opportunities in “Entrails Ripped From a Virgin’s Purse”
In a shocking turn of unlikely artistic appreciation, Gene Simmons of KISS has taken time away from trademarking oxygen and bottling his own sweat to review Cannibal Corpse’s 1992 death metal classic Tomb of the Mutilated. While most would shy away from a tracklist that sounds like a crime scene […]
Wolves Spare Man In Forest After He Blasts METALLICA’s 72 Seasons: “We Can Tolerate Screaming, But Not That”
DULUTH, MINNESOTA — In a rare show of mercy from nature, a man filming promo shots for his upcoming black metal project Ravensküll Frostgeist narrowly escaped a pack of wolves in the northern Minnesota woods late Tuesday night — not with fire, not with steel, but by blasting Metallica’s 2023 […]
Matt Tuck Abandons TRIVIUM and BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE Tour After Realizing All the Girls Want Matt Heafy’s Autograph Instead
“The Poisoned Ascendancy” Tour Becomes “The Tuckered Out Farewell” Tour What was once a promising nostalgic celebration of eyeliner, breakdowns, and late-2000s metalcore glory has ended in tears, TikToks, and a very bruised ego. Bullet for My Valentine have dramatically exited the remainder of their co-headlining tour with Trivium, allegedly […]