PARIS, FRANCE — A groundbreaking scientific study has revealed that fans of French metal titans GOJIRA are inexplicably fitter, faster, and stronger than the average person their age, baffling doctors and delighting gym owners everywhere.
“Normally when you think of metal fans, you think of empty Monster cans and sore necks from headbanging,” said lead researcher Dr. Camille Dubois. “But when it comes to Gojira fans, we found a shocking trend: these people are out-running, out-lifting, and out-yoga-posing their peers. One man in our study even deadlifted a Prius after hearing the opening riff of ‘Flying Whales.’”
The report, published in the Journal of Extreme Athletic Science, suggests that listening to Gojira provides a full-body workout comparable to CrossFit, with less risk of injury and significantly more whale noises.
Test subjects who blasted ‘Stranded’ on headphones were able to:
Sprint a mile in record time without spilling their oat milk latte
Perform perfect jiu-jitsu takedowns on unsuspecting Slipknot fans
Bench press an entire merch table (including overpriced hoodies)
Even more surprising, researchers found Gojira fans have lower stress levels. “Turns out screaming about the ocean and climate collapse is a healthier coping mechanism than yoga or therapy,” said Dr. Dubois, before noting her own Spotify Wrapped was 95% Gojira.
At press time, Olympic officials announced they were considering a new event called “Moshing With Perfect Form” after observing Gojira fans circle-pit without tearing their ACLs. Meanwhile, health experts are now recommending three servings of Gojira per day, preferably taken live, with hydration breaks between songs.
