In a bold (and frankly terrifying) move that has political analysts, death metal fans, and your grandma equally confused, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has officially declared January 1st as “Cannibal Corpse Day” across the Sunshine State.
Yes, that Cannibal Corpse.
Yes, they’re from Buffalo.
No, he doesn’t care.
“Florida adopted them the way Florida adopts all terrifying things,” said DeSantis at a press conference outside a gas station in Tampa. “Gators, hurricanes, bath salts… Cannibal Corpse just makes sense here. Starting the year with ‘Hammer Smashed Face’ is how we get results.”
The proclamation was signed into law while the band’s classic track “I Cum Blood” played softly in the background. Somewhere, a bald eagle shed a single tear and then disemboweled a squirrel.
Official “Cannibal Corpse Day” Rituals
To help Floridians properly embrace the spirit of January 1st, the Governor’s Office has released a list of suggested ways to celebrate:
Instead of the national anthem, local marching bands will attempt a brass arrangement of “Stripped, Raped and Strangled.” Results may vary.
Hang a severed mannequin head over your front door for good luck (plastic only, no actual heads without a permit).
Replace champagne toasts with blood-spattered guttural growls directed at the sky. Bonus points if you scare off your HOA.
At exactly 12:01 a.m., headbang violently until you forget the resolutions you weren’t going to follow anyway.
Grocery stores will play Cannibal Corpse in the produce aisle, because nothing pairs better with bananas than “Meat Hook Sodomy.”
Waffle Houses statewide will offer the “Butchered at Birth” breakfast special — two eggs over smashed face, guts on toast, and a free napkin to wipe away your sins.
“Look, the average Florida resident has been mentally living in a Cannibal Corpse song since 2008,” added DeSantis. “It’s time the calendar reflected that reality.”
The Governor went on to say that while he personally doesn’t “get” death metal, he respects its commitment to chaos, adding, “If we’re going to keep Florida weird, we need traditions that scream from the pit.”
Corpsegrinder Responds
When reached for comment, Corpsegrinder simply said, “What took so long?” before pile-driving a grapefruit at Publix and disappearing into a swirling mosh pit that formed in aisle 7.
So this January 1st, crank the volume, sharpen your lyrical anatomy knowledge, and scream your way into the New Year — Florida style. And remember: resolutions come and go, but Cannibal Corpse is forever.
🎉🧠💀 Happy Cannibal Corpse Day, Florida!
