In a bold, furry, and slightly hairball-prone move, local South Carolina sludge metal band Moss Lizard has officially replaced their bassist and rhythm guitarist with two Maine Coon cats named Chonk Sabbath and Lilith Meowgoth.
The band’s reasoning? “No one was liking our Instagram posts unless we were shirtless or in the ER,” explained frontman Caleb “Swamp Daddy” Jenkins. “But once we posted a rehearsal pic with Chonk Sabbath napping on a pedalboard, we got 473 likes in five minutes. That’s more than our last three albums combined.”
According to inside sources (Caleb’s aunt on Facebook), the decision was made after the original bassist quit to “start a pressure washing business” and the guitarist “moved to Asheville for goat yoga.” In desperate need of replacements—but with zero budget and a dying algorithm—the band looked to their drummer’s living room for inspiration.
“We figured, people love cats, right? Why not let them ‘play’ bass and guitar. We just sample feedback and scratch noises, run it through some fuzz, and honestly? It slaps.”
It does. Their new single, “Hairball Communion”, features Chonk Sabbath walking across a Boss Metal Zone pedal while Lilith Meowgoth attacks a string of yarn over a downtuned C chord. The music video, entirely shot on a baby monitor, hit 100K views in under 24 hours—mostly shared by wine-loving suburban moms tagging each other with captions like “THIS IS US 😂😂😂”.
Even more shocking, attendance at their latest dive bar gig included six book club ladies, two confused TikTok influencers, and one man who thought it was a farmer’s market. Merch sales quadrupled, especially the new T-shirt design: “Meowtallica: Cats. Riffs. Chaos.”
Caleb has no regrets. “We still play the same four chords in drop G, but now there’s a soft, purring energy on stage. Also, Lilith bit a sound guy. That’s very sludge.”
When asked what’s next for the band, Caleb hinted at expanding the lineup. “We’re thinking a parrot on synths. Something that can say ‘DOOM’ on command.”
Stay tuned. And maybe bring catnip to the next show.
