“I HATE THIS BAND BUT I NEED THAT SCANDAL CLOUT,” SAYS SLAMMER FROM TENNESSEE
NASHVILLE, TN — In a plot twist no one saw coming (except maybe his parole officer), Cletus “Chokehold” Hankins, the frontman of Tennessee’s finest brutal death slam band Gurgling Possum Sacrifice, has just purchased front-row tickets to every remaining Coldplay concert in North America.
But not because he’s a fan. Oh no.
“I f***in’ HATE Coldplay,” Cletus snarled while deep-frying roadkill in his backyard. “That music sounds like my meemaw’s ringtone after it fell in a toilet. But if bein’ on a Kiss Cam gets you viral fame and a ruined marriage, then sign me the hell up.”
The inspiration came from the now-notorious Coldplay “Kiss Cam Incident,” where a mystery couple let go of each other faster than a dropped vape when the big screen caught ‘em mid-sin. The fallout was massive — resignations, Reddit conspiracies, Coldplay fans becoming gossip detectives — and to Cletus, it sounded like a marketing opportunity wrapped in infidelity.
“I got three goals,” he explained. “One: Get caught cheatin’ on my ugly-ass wife live at a Coldplay show. Two: Make headlines. Three: Plug the band.”
To ensure his plan works, he’s gone full PR mode:
Printed “CHEATED AT COLDPLAY” t-shirts with the Gurgling Possum Sacrifice logo.
Made holographic bumper stickers that read, “Coldplayed & Slammed.”
Even wrote a new single titled “Fix You (But With A Chainsaw).”
Asked how he’ll get on the Kiss Cam, Cletus already has a system: “I’m showin’ up with a different ‘mystery woman’ every night. Some of ‘em are cousins, sure, but only by marriage.”
Bandmate Bubba Guttwrench, the group’s drummer and amateur taxidermist, supports the plan: “Coldplay might suck musically, but they got the most powerful stage magic ever seen: public humiliation. If that gets our Spotify numbers up, I’ll sit through ‘Yellow’ every damn night.”
When reached for comment, Coldplay’s team simply said: “We have no idea who this man is, but please stop emailing us shirtless selfies from your tractor.”
Meanwhile, fans have already spotted Cletus in the crowd at the Nashville show, waving a sign that read: “KISS CAM = VIRAL CHEATCORE.”
Coldplay has yet to point the camera his way, but with a number of shows coming up, Cletus remains hopeful. “I ain’t here for the music. I’m here for the scandal. And maybe the nachos. But mostly the scandal.”
