Move over Euphoria — there’s a new goth melodrama in town. Amazon Prime has reportedly greenlit Cradle High: The Filth Diaries, a teenage soap opera based on the ongoing drama within CRADLE OF FILTH.
The pilot episode, allegedly titled Effective Immediately, kicks off with keyboardist/singer Zoë Federoff storming out of the gothic high school cafeteria (a.k.a. the band), citing “irreconcilable differences with cafeteria food and Dani’s eyeliner budget.” Within hours, guitarist Ashok is expelled “effective immediately” after Principal Dani Filth declares him a “bad influence on the Latin American field trip.”
Dani himself is being set up as the show’s brooding antihero — the misunderstood goth kid who somehow always finds himself surrounded by crying ex-bandmates and a rotating cast of scorned friends. “It’s like Riverdale, but with more corpse paint and way worse riffs,” explained one insider.
Each season promises dramatic character arcs:
Zoë: Will she find happiness in a rival vampire clique, or return to the cafeteria just to throw pudding at Dani?
Ashok: Will he reinvent himself as the cool substitute teacher of riffs, or just spend the rest of the series writing angsty notes in detention?
Dani Filth: Will he ever stop being the main character, or will he continue to ruin every friendship faster than an Amazon series cancellation?
Soundtrack duties will be provided by CRADLE OF FILTH themselves, with each song re-recorded in the style of emo prom night karaoke. Early leaked tracklist includes:
From the Cradle to the Guidance Counselor
Her Ghost in the Locker Room Fog
Nymphetamine (But Make It Detention)
Amazon is banking hard on the success of the show, pitching it directly to teenagers who love melodrama, eyeliner, and not knowing who half the band members are.
As for the band itself, industry insiders say CRADLE OF FILTH may soon have more ex-members than episodes — but that only makes for better TV.
#cradle of drama, #Dani Is A C*nt, #fake news, #from the cradle to amazon
