In a bold yet unsurprising statement, Katatonia frontman Jonas Renkse has officially forbidden fans from proposing to their girlfriends during the band’s live performances. His reasoning? “I hate seeing people smile when we play,” he said with the emotional warmth of a Scandinavian winter.
The gothic-doom legends, known for songs that make rain feel emotionally inadequate, have decided that joy, love, and anything resembling a future together have no place in their sonic funeral procession.
“We’re here to feel the slow rot of human connection,” Renkse explained, “not to witness someone cry tears of happiness while we perform My Twin. That’s not what the song is about. Those should be tears of regret. Misery. Collapse.”
In a surprising twist, Renkse said he would allow divorce announcements at Katatonia shows. “Now that’s the kind of emotional disintegration we endorse. Want to text your spouse ‘we’re done’ during Dead Letters? That’s art. That’s participation.”
When asked if any exceptions would be made for same-sex couples, Renkse replied, “Only if they’re breaking up. Preferably in the middle of The Longest Year.”
Katatonia fans are advised to keep their emotions bleak, their hearts broken, and their smiles surgically removed at the door.
