Oasis’ long-awaited reunion tour has come to a screeching halt just one show in, after the Gallagher brothers realized nobody actually came to see them — they came for Ozzy Osbourne. Or as many fans apparently thought: “Ossiz.”
The confusion began early during the Cardiff kickoff when chants of “Mama, I’m Coming Home!” echoed louder than “Wonderwall,” and several fans held up signs reading “CRAZY TRAIN 4EVER” in glitter paint over the iconic Oasis logo — which had somehow been misprinted as “Ozzis” on 3,000 counterfeit T-shirts.
“It’s like we’re opening for a ghost,” muttered Noel Gallagher backstage, still fuming after a fan screamed “Bark at the Moon!” during his emotional acoustic take on “Half the World Away.”
The Great Mix-Up
Reports suggest the global media’s obsession with Black Sabbath’s historic farewell concert — happening just days after — has completely overshadowed Oasis’ 19-date “Live ’25” tour.
“It’s not our fault their reunion happened in the same week as the End of the World in Birmingham,” Liam snapped, shoving his tambourine into a bin marked “Recycling only.”
Ticket holders were spotted googling “Is Liam Gallagher Ozzy’s son?” and “What time does Sharon come on stage?” at merch stands, where a suspicious number of Ozzy bucket hats were being sold under the table for £50 each.
One attendee, Vicki Moynehan — seven months pregnant and somehow holding a bat plushie with “Ozzy 4 Prez” stitched on the wings — admitted she’d made a mistake. “I thought it was an Ozzfest pre-party. I only came because I heard he bites things.”
No More Tours (For Oasis)
In a hastily issued press release scribbled on a napkin from a kebab van, Oasis announced they were canceling the rest of their tour “because clearly no one gives a toss unless there’s a Prince of Darkness involved.”
The band cited “spiritual interference from the Sabbath realm,” “too many ‘Crazy Train’ requests,” and “a general public inability to tell the difference between Manchester and Birmingham.”
Liam offered one last statement on the matter:
“If you lot want Ozzy, go marry him. I’m off to Ibiza.”
Noel was last seen updating his LinkedIn to “available for soundtrack work and mild resentment.”
Meanwhile, Ozzy Osbourne, when informed that he had accidentally ended the Oasis reunion just by existing, simply grinned and said:
“I thought Oasis was a brand of juice.”
