Atlanta, GA — If you thought Brent Hinds was done talking trash about his ex-bandmates in Mastodon, buckle up: the man just plugged his amp into a blender full of resentment and hit record.
Following his increasingly spicy social media jabs—most recently calling Mastodon “a shit band with horrible humans” in the comments section of a nostalgic fan post—Brent has officially announced the formation of his newest and possibly most passive-aggressive project to date: Mastodon Sucks.
Unlike his other bands (West End Motel, Fiend Without A Face, Dirty B & The Boys—yes, those are real), Mastodon Sucks isn’t just a band. It’s an emotional purge. It’s musical revenge. It’s a one-man courtroom drama where Brent is judge, jury, and guy with a slide guitar yelling about backstage hygiene.
“Every song is gonna be a dirty little tale about those dudes,” Brent promised in a fiery press release written in Sharpie on a bar napkin. “One track is about the time someone clogged the tour bus toilet with vegan chili. Another’s about the great beard shampoo theft of 2014. There’s a whole ballad about passive-aggressive group texts.”
The debut album is tentatively titled “Once More ‘Round the Petty” and will include the following rumored tracklist:
“Levi-a-thong (Who Stole My Underwear?)”
“Emperor of Sandals”
“Crack the Fridge (And Put the Beer Back)”
“Blood and Thunder and Bathroom Mold”
“Oblivious Creature”
“Troy Didn’t Refill the Gas Tank (Again)”
Mastodon Sucks will play a secret set in Atlanta on April 18, hidden inside a triple-bill where Brent also performs with his other side projects, each more chaotic than the last. “If I can’t be in a band with emotionally stable people, I’ll be in three bands with myself,” he declared.
Sources say Mastodon has yet to respond publicly, though rumor has it Brann Dailor has written a ten-minute progressive rock opera in response titled “The Brentening.”
Stay tuned as the prog-metal petty war continues to unfold—louder, hairier, and more ridiculous than ever.
