Des Moines, IA — An 84-year-old grandmother from Iowa has gone viral this week after penning an unintentionally brutal yet heartfelt review of her grandson’s favorite album — Slipknot’s Iowa.
Mildred “Millie” Hawthorne, who says she enjoys “a nice John Denver tune or anything where the singer isn’t actively screaming at the devil,” sat down to give her thoughts after walking in on 17-year-old grandson Kyle blasting the 2001 metal classic while folding his laundry in a haze of Axe body spray and adolescent resentment.
“Well, I gave it a listen,” Millie wrote in a Facebook post that has since been shared over 120,000 times. “It’s not exactly The Lawrence Welk Show, but it’s got… spirit. Lots of shouting. I think one of the fellas was crying? Or maybe vomiting?”
Millie rated each track with the same structure: a brief emotional impression, a guess at what farm animal it sounded like, and a Bible verse recommendation. Some highlights:
“People = Sh*t”: “Now that’s not very nice. I think people are okay. I give it 2 angry raccoons out of 5. Maybe they need a nap.”
“Disasterpiece”: “One boy said he’d like to stab someone in the throat and watch them bleed. That’s not very Iowa. I crocheted him a scarf.”
“My Plague”: “This one reminded me of when the church basement flooded and ruined all the potato salad. Ominous.”
Despite her critiques, Millie insisted she tried to keep an open mind. “I suppose it’s cathartic, in the way a tornado is cathartic. Loud, destructive, and probably smells like wet gravel and teenage sweat.”
She also had kind words for Slipknot’s drummer. “That one fellow plays the drums so fast, I thought it was a woodpecker having a panic attack. Impressive wrist control!”
Millie ended her review by inviting the band to stop by her house for some rhubarb pie “if they ever feel like calming down.”
Slipknot frontman Corey Taylor responded to the review with a simple tweet:
“MILLIE IS METAL. WE ACCEPT THE PIE.”
Millie is now reportedly working on a follow-up review of Reign in Blood by Slayer, which she described as “a little noisy, but not the worst thing I’ve heard since Dave tried karaoke after two whiskeys.”
