Los Angeles, CA – In a plot twist that has the music world buzzing harder than a broken amp, LINKIN PARK’s new singer, Emily Armstrong, has finally broken her silence on the rumors swirling about her religious affiliations. And no, she’s not a Scientologist (sorry, conspiracy theorists). Instead, Armstrong has proudly announced that she’s a devout follower of the one true deity: The Flying Spaghetti Monster.
That’s right, folks. LINKIN PARK’s next tour will double as a Pastafarian religious experience, with concertgoers invited to participate in noodle-centric rituals before, during, and after each performance. Prepare to rock out, but also…bring a bib.
“I just want to be clear,” Armstrong said in an interview with Rolling Stone, “the rumors about Scientology are totally false. My true spiritual allegiance lies with His Noodliness, The Flying Spaghetti Monster. At each show, we’ll be celebrating his noodly appendages in the most sacred of ways: through music, pasta, and a dash of Parmesan.”
A New Kind of Concert Experience: Worshipping the Spaghetti Monster
Fans attending upcoming LINKIN PARK concerts can expect more than just killer riffs and emotional lyrics—they’ll also be treated to the Great Noodle Communion, an interactive ritual where attendees will be asked to twirl their noodles (spaghetti, of course) with reverence, then toss them skyward in the hopes of receiving blessings from His Noodliness.
The concert stage will be transformed into an altar to the Spaghetti Monster, complete with oversized meatball sculptures, glowing marinara fountains, and Armstrong herself wearing a colander crown as she belts out In the End with the conviction of someone who has truly been touched by noodly grace.
The Ritual: “Ramen-ify Me!”
In one segment of the show, Armstrong will lead the audience through a call-and-response chant known as the Ramen-ify Me moment. Fans will hold up their spaghetti-filled bowls, shout “Ramen!” in unison, and then gently pour tomato sauce over their heads in a sign of devotion. Bonus points if you bring your own garlic bread for extra holiness.
For those concerned about hygiene, Armstrong assured everyone that all noodle-related activities will be “100% biodegradable and delicious.”
A New Movement in Music
While some purists may be scratching their heads at this sudden fusion of post-nu-metal and carb-based spirituality, Armstrong is confident this new religious tone will resonate with fans. “Honestly, who wouldn’t want to rock out while honoring the great Flying Spaghetti Monster?” she said. “Music and pasta—what else do you need in life?”
Meanwhile, devoted LINKIN PARK fans are already getting on board, with thousands showing up to the band’s online store to purchase official R’amen colanders, custom pasta jerseys, and spaghetti-scented candles to prepare themselves for the spiritual journey ahead.
His Noodliness Is Pleased
Reports suggest that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is “extremely pleased” by this unexpected turn of events, and a statement released by the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster read: “Let it be known that Emily Armstrong has been touched by the Great Noodly Appendage, and her fans shall be bathed in the glorious sauce of truth and musical enlightenment. R’amen.”
So, if you’re planning on attending the next LINKIN PARK show, come hungry. And don’t forget to thank His Noodliness for the gift of music…and unlimited breadsticks.
