In a turn of events so unexpected, even Satan himself would be confused, metal legends Slayer have announced they’re coming out of retirement for a few more shows in 2024. But hold on, folks, because this isn’t your typical “we missed the money” reunion tour. Oh no—this time, Slayer is […]
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SLEEP TOKEN Demands “Non-Fart Zones” On American Tour; Gets Burritos Banned
Los Angeles, CA – In what can only be described as a cataclysmic collision of sound and… well, other things, the mysterious and brooding band SLEEP TOKEN has officially declared “Non-Fart Zones” on their upcoming (non-specified yet, though) U.S. tour. The announcement follows an infamous incident where a fan—blessed with […]
BREAKING: KISS are Breeding Fishing Worms with Band Members’ Faces
New York, NY – In a move that no one—and we mean NO ONE—saw coming, legendary rock band KISS has announced how they plan to ride off into the sunset after their final world tour: by creating a new breed of fishing worms with their faces. Because when you’ve conquered […]
BREAKING: Snoop Dogg Cancels All Ohio Shows Over Fear That “Immigrants Eat Dogs”—Won’t Risk It
Los Angeles, CA – In a turn of events that’s somehow both bizarre and on-brand, legendary rapper Snoop Dogg has announced that he is canceling all his upcoming Ohio concerts, citing a fear that “immigrants there might eat dogs.” Yes, you read that correctly. In an official statement released today, […]
BREAKING: New LINKIN PARK Singer Emily Armstrong Reveals She Worships The Flying Spaghetti Monster
Los Angeles, CA – In a plot twist that has the music world buzzing harder than a broken amp, LINKIN PARK’s new singer, Emily Armstrong, has finally broken her silence on the rumors swirling about her religious affiliations. And no, she’s not a Scientologist (sorry, conspiracy theorists). Instead, Armstrong has […]
BREAKING: Entire Village in Virginia Admits They’re All Dave Grohl’s Children
Virginia, USA – In a shocking twist that no one saw coming (but honestly, should have), the small, peaceful village of Nowheresville, Virginia has come forward with a collective confession: every single one of them is the offspring of Foo Fighters frontman, Dave Grohl. Yes, you read that right. Every. […]
BREAKING: SWALLOW THE DOG Clears the Air—They Haven’t Moved to Springfield to Eat Your Pets!
Maryland, USA – In what can only be described as the most shocking revelation since that time people thought pigeons were government drones, an underground death/thrash (and definitely disbanded) band SWALLOW THE DOG has resurfaced from the depths of irrelevance to issue a public statement. And no, it’s not a […]