Virginia, USA – In a shocking twist that no one saw coming (but honestly, should have), the small, peaceful village of Nowheresville, Virginia has come forward with a collective confession: every single one of them is the offspring of Foo Fighters frontman, Dave Grohl.
Yes, you read that right. Every. Single. Person.
From newborns to grizzled retirees who’ve been collecting Social Security since Nirvana was still rehearsing in garages, they’re all claiming to be the spawn of rock’s most wholesome headbanger. The town’s spokesperson, a sprightly 92-year-old named Edna, stepped up to the podium (okay, it was a milk crate) to deliver the news.
“We just wanted to clear the air,” she began, adjusting her glasses and brandishing an old Foo Fighters tour T-shirt like a sacred artifact. “Yes, it’s true. Dave Grohl is our father. All of us. Regardless of age. From Baby Tommy, who’s 3 months old, to Bob, who’s 106. And we’re proud of it. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be related to Dave freaking Grohl?”
What’s more, the Virginia village isn’t the only Grohl-claiming community. In a ripple effect that no one can explain (but everyone is now extremely curious about), reports have been flooding in from other small towns across the U.S. Apparently, Grohl has also fathered dozens—if not hundreds—of “dads” and “uncles”.
Yes, you heard that right. Grohl not only has children in every state but also fathers who proudly declare, “I am Dave Grohl’s dad.” The sheer logistics of this are, of course, mind-boggling, but no one seems too concerned about biology or the space-time continuum at this point.
In response to the bizarre confessions, Dave Grohl has issued a statement, which is as Grohl-like as you’d expect:
“Well, this is news to me, but I’m honored. Let’s all get together for Thanksgiving sometime, and I’ll bring the guitars. Oh, and by the way, if you see any more kids popping up, let me know. I’m running out of names.”
It seems the Grohl family tree is officially bigger than the Foo Fighters’ entire discography. Stay tuned as we await the inevitable announcement of Grohl’s new reality show: Dave Grohl’s 50,000 Kids and Counting.
