In a shocking turn of events, Five Finger Death Punch has reportedly turned down an invitation to perform at this year’s Vans Warped Tour, citing “confusion” over the event’s lineup. The iconic heavy metal band, known for their no-nonsense, stadium-shaking anthems, was extended an invitation to join the historic tour, […]
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Kerry King Demands Payment in Eggs for Remaining Tour Dates: “We Want to Feel Like Millionaires”
As Kerry King’s 2025 North American tour rages on, a shocking mid-tour demand has surfaced: no more cash payments—only eggs. Yes, you heard it right. In response to the ever-rising price of eggs, the legendary Slayer guitarist has reportedly instructed promoters to pay the band in crates of eggs for […]
Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame 2025 Nominees Include Bad Company, Soundgarden… And Kendrick Lamar’s Jeans
In a surprising yet somehow inevitable twist, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has announced its 2025 nominees, including rock legends BAD COMPANY, THE BLACK CROWES, SOUNDGARDEN, and—wait for it—KENDRICK LAMAR’S JEANS. Yes, you read that right. The very same pair of denim that set the internet ablaze during […]
BLACK SABBATH Final Show Ticket Prices Cause Financial Crisis: One Fan Regrets Selling Kidney
In a shocking twist, BLACK SABBATH’s final reunion show in Birmingham has caused widespread financial distress—not due to high ticket prices, but because they’re apparently too cheap for some dedicated fans. Australian metalhead Bruce “The Sabbath Sacrificer” Henderson, who famously sold a kidney on the black market to afford a […]
Nirvana Officially Reunites with Vince Neil on Vocals: “Kurt Wouldn’t Have Been Able to Sing Anyway”
In what can only be described as the most unexpected (and questionably brilliant) decision in rock history, Nirvana has officially announced a full-scale reunion with none other than Vince Neil of Mötley Crüe on vocals. The decision comes fresh off their surprise performance at the Fireaid benefit concert, where Dave […]
Courtney LaPlante Admits She and Poppy Got a Grammy Discount Makeover Package to Save Money: “Neither of Us Won Anyway”
The 2025 GRAMMY Awards were memorable for two reasons—Gojira finally snagged their first-ever trophy, and the internet erupted in confusion after Spiritbox’s Courtney LaPlante was mistaken for Poppy. While Poppy capitalized on the mix-up with a cheeky “Hello, I Am Poppy” t-shirt, LaPlante recently addressed the situation in an Instagram […]
EAGLES Announce U.S. Tour Immediately After Philadelphia Eagles Win Super Bowl, Expect Tickets to Sell Out in an Hour
In a move of impeccable timing and sheer marketing genius, classic rock legends EAGLES have announced a U.S. tour mere moments after the Philadelphia Eagles defeated the Kansas City Chiefs in Super Bowl LIX. “We heard the city was celebrating,” said Don Henley, “so we figured—why not give the people […]
BLACK SABBATH’s Final Show To Feature Resurrected Legends! Team of Mediums Summoned to Bring Back Dio and Lemmy for One Night Only
Heavy metal history is about to be rewritten—possibly by forces beyond our comprehension. The original lineup of BLACK SABBATH—Ozzy Osbourne, Tony Iommi, Geezer Butler, and Bill Ward—will play their final show on July 5 in Birmingham, but now, thanks to a team of world-class mediums, they won’t be the only […]
GRAMMY Representative Admits: “We Just Don’T Know Many Metal Bands” After GOJIRA Win
In a shocking yet completely unsurprising revelation, a representative from the Recording Academy has admitted that the committee simply doesn’t know many metal bands, which explains why Gojira took home this year’s Grammy for Best Metal Performance. “We have a strict policy when selecting nominees,” the representative stated in a […]
MESHUGGAH ‘s Jens Kidman Becomes Ambassador for Laxative Company
In a groundbreaking collaboration that no one saw coming, Jens Kidman, the legendary frontman of Meshuggah, has been announced as the official ambassador for LAX-O-MAX, a high-performance laxative brand designed to “unclog your mind and your intestines.” For decades, Kidman has been known for his intense, vein-bursting facial expressions, commonly […]