In a bold new chapter nobody saw coming (because their eyes were also stretched too tight), Butcher Babies co-founder, certified death professional, and full-time badass Carla Harvey has emerged from the mortuary, the comic book scene, and possibly a cryogenic chamber to debut her new band, The Violent Hour. Their […]
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BREAKING: Danny Wimmer Presents Buys Louisville, Declares All Beer $19 Forever
In a bold move that surprised absolutely no one, Danny Wimmer Presents (DWP) has finalized a 10-year plan to unofficially purchase the city of Louisville, Kentucky, under the clever disguise of a “festival deal.” Yes, you heard right — the folks behind Louder Than Life and Bourbon & Beyond will […]
BON JOVI Returns To The Stage, Demands Firstborn Child And One Functioning Organ In Exchange For Ticket
Legendary soft-rock taxidermy project Bon Jovi has officially announced their return to the stage—and to ensure it’s a truly unforgettable experience, they’re charging fans just a humble $1,750 for the privilege of attending. No big deal. Just cancel your mortgage payment, sell a kidney on the black market, or offer […]
Dave Mustaine Sues METALLICA for “Life-Saving Plagiarism”
Claims he saved lives first, back in ’83, and wants retroactive credit Just days after Metallica unveiled their new film Metallica Saved My Life, former member and eternal grudge-holder Dave Mustaine has filed a lawsuit claiming the band “stole his legacy of therapeutic heavy metal healing.” In a handwritten legal […]
Metallica Confirm They Saved Lives by Not Releasing Another Album
New film to document heroic act of musical restraint In a surprising twist of self-awareness, Metallica have announced a new film titled Metallica Saved My Life, directed by Jonas Åkerlund, best known for his work on Lords of Chaos, Horsemen, and making black metal look like a perfume ad. While […]
TESLA Surpasses 300 Million Streams After Elon Musk Mistakes Band for His Cars, Pays Fans $100 Per Play
In what analysts are calling “the most expensive typo in streaming history,” California rock veterans TESLA have shattered the 300 million stream mark on Spotify — not because of a sudden resurgence in ’80s rock, but because Elon Musk accidentally thought people were listening to his cars. According to an […]
Billy Corgan Vows to Haunt Music Industry for 20 More Years, Announces Tour That Will Slowly Drain Your Wallet and Soul
Billy Corgan, the eternal mastermind behind THE SMASHING PUMPKINS, has declared his intentions to be absolutely everywhere for the next two decades. Fresh off turning 58, Corgan has launched a new solo project, BILLY CORGAN AND THE MACHINES OF GOD, and a massive tour that will ensure you either love […]
KISS To Unmask the True Horror of Rock in Las Vegas: Wrinkled Shock-Rock Spectacle Awaits
LAS VEGAS — KISS, the band that once thrilled audiences with fire-breathing demons and blood-spitting madness, has decided to take horror to a whole new level: playing without makeup. That’s right, the most shocking show of the year isn’t some pyro-packed stadium extravaganza—it’s Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley performing completely […]
Tobias Forge Bans Phones on GHOST Tour, Cites 5G Conspiracy and Fear of Bedroom Malfunction
GHOST mastermind Tobias Forge has long been known for his theatrical performances, elaborate backstory, and now, apparently, his deep-seated fear of electromagnetic waves rendering him useless in the bedroom. As part of the band’s newly announced 2025 US tour, Forge has doubled down on the controversial decision to enforce a […]
BABYMETAL Announces 2025 North American Tour, Promises to Have Actual Babies by Then to Justify the Name
As BABYMETAL prepares for their biggest North American tour yet, a lingering existential crisis has finally caught up with them: they are no longer, by any metric, babies. With all members now well into their late 20s, the realization that they’ve been fronting a band called BABYMETAL while filing taxes, […]