Well, folks, it’s official: AS I LAY DYING’s highly anticipated European tour is off the table, and the reason is a little more muscle-bound than you’d expect. Following bassist Ryan Neff’s dramatic exit, citing “personal and professional reasons” (which we all know is code for “Lambesis’ sweat puddles are life-threatening”), […]
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The SLAYER Fitness Playlist: Pump, Thrash, Repeat
Meet Jeff, a 34-year-old personal trainer with biceps bigger than your head, and a love for thrash metal so deep it might be considered a cardio workout on its own. After years of crafting perfect kettlebell routines and protein shakes, Jeff has decided to share his Top 5 SLAYER albums […]
Members of PANTERA, SCORPIONS and KING KOBRA Form New Supergroup DANGEROUS ANIMALS
Members of PANTERA, SCORPIONS and KING KOBRA (masked and unnamed for now) have joined forces to create the ultimate supergroup: DANGEROUS ANIMALS. The band, with a name inspired by a bizarre conversation about zoo animals and rock star egos, has announced their first mission—creating music exclusively for quadrobers. “What’s a […]
BREAKING: ICED EARTH Vocalist Jon Schaffer Spotted Rocking ‘Voted for Kamala Harris’ Shirt
In a shocking twist that no one saw coming (except maybe the FBI), ICED EARTH’s Jon Schaffer, once known for his involvement in the Jan. 6 insurrection, has reportedly done a full 180-degree turn and is embracing the Democratic Party… at least in his wardrobe choices. Witnesses have confirmed seeing […]
Guns N’ Roses Rebrand Iconic “Welcome To The Jungle” as Senior Anthem: “Welcome To The Garden”
In an unexpected turn of events that left both rock fans and retirement communities baffled, Guns N’ Roses have officially reworked their legendary hit “Welcome To The Jungle” into a laid-back, senior-friendly anthem. Titled “Welcome To The Garden,” the band has embraced their golden years and decided to cater to […]
GUTALAX Returns From North American Mini-Tour, Blessed With Inspiration From Local Toilets
After wrapping up their whirlwind North American mini-tour, gore grind titans Gutalax have officially declared themselves “blessed and inspired” — by the unholy combination of greasy fast food and public restrooms. The Czech band, known for their gut-wrenching lyrics and bathroom humor, had no idea that America’s finest fast food […]
P Diddy Offers Himself as Satanic Sacrifice at DEICIDE Show — Glen Benton Considers as “Revenge for Tupac”
After a series of shocking charges that make even the wildest metal lyrics seem tame, Sean “Diddy” Combs has found an unexpected solution to his legal troubles: full-blown Satanic sacrifice. With charges including racketeering, sex trafficking, and claims of involvement in Tupac’s murder, the hip-hop mogul has apparently thrown in […]
BREAKING: Carcass Ditches Hatebreed’s 30th Anniversary Tour, Opts for Morgues Instead
In a truly killer twist of fate, metal legends Carcass have officially dropped from Hatebreed’s highly anticipated 30th-anniversary tour. The reason? Apparently, playing regular venues just isn’t “dead” enough for them anymore. The band announced this morning, October 6th, that they’ve grown tired of your average sweaty clubs and raucous […]
OPETH’s Mikael Åkerfeldt Confesses: “The Growls Are Back, Thanks to My Cat!”
In a shocking twist that no one saw coming, Mikael Åkerfeldt, the legendary frontman of OPETH, has revealed the real reason for his return to growling vocals on the band’s upcoming album, The Last Will and Testament. It wasn’t nostalgia, a change of heart, or fan pressure — it was […]
FOO FIGHTERS Cancel Soundside Music Festival Show Due to “Overwhelming Child Demand”
In a surprising turn of events, FOO FIGHTERS have canceled their highly anticipated September 29 appearance at the Soundside Music Festival in Bridgeport, Connecticut, citing a rather unexpected reason: Dave Grohl’s growing army of children demanding free tickets. The band released a statement earlier today, explaining the situation. “FOO FIGHTERS […]